Time to let off a lil more steam from the recent weeks. [Note: I may very well repeat myself from earlier posts of this nature.] I have had a number of ideas on what to write next thundering in my head but have yet to force any of them out into existence. I blame my other wordly interactions here. I have talked to many people, read and commented here and there (and subsequently checked back on those comments like a good lil blog boy should) and faced my share of "drama"(word to ye momma).
I find myself in a quandry. I find myself without a mate (a woman) and casually poking around for one(everywhere I go). And, I also find myself in need of a friend. But, when it comes to female friends, it seems impossible.
Especially when single "friends" either take a strong interest/flirt heavily (whether or not I like their "situation" is another story) or decide to keep their distance once they hear something themselves. Suddenly, "friend" is wiping itself from the vocabulary board, and I am unable to talk to this person about maybe another woman I am interested in myself.
And, what of women in relationships/married? Time is not always available to be the best of friends. And, when a married woman gets a lil too free with her time here, suddenly this casual acquaintance is looking more like an affair. Or, how do I relate to the married details and be a good friend when I know nothing of it?[More on this in a bit.]
I find it difficult to both talk about such things with women as well as to hear other women talk about the men they are seeing/finding. Why can't I separate myself and just be a listenner with an opinion? I want to make a PSA..."Friends don't flirt." And, I still may write one up on this. I have very less male friends either that I can openly talk to about most of this stuff. So, I am really at a loss for freedom to speak and be heard/understood.
And, I admit it. Once you get to knowing and interacting with people on here, you watch your words in posts. Right? So much for speaking our minds. Now we have to watch out for our own mousetraps on the floor. Walking on eggshells...not a good friendship foundation.
I still am not sure if I am even friend worthy or a good friend to anyone. I have talked and listenned so much without achieving anything lasting that I have become a bit blind, deaf and dumb to what's around me. I am tired. I am spent. I just want things to happen. I don't want to fight or work too hard. I feel as if I am getting lazy and comfortable with fear...and I know it's a red flag I don't like at all. But, I am always confused as to what good I am as a friend. I feel more like a toy or a blog website than a friend. Blah.
WANTED: Someone I can call a friend with whom I will have no guams about mixed feelings or risk the relations. Someone who can talk with me about anything and feel good about it later. Someone who won't give up on it before I do:P Someone who will give me courage so that I may pay them back tenfold(whether in courage or other means). Someone I can hang out with and not be uncomfortable. To be comfortable and happy to share freely.
WANTED: A woman to travel the world with and spend the rest of my days loving who will pay me back tenfold(even if I feel I don't deserve it or owe her)...a joy and an inspiration(details pending).
I have seen new members rise and older(or not so old) ones fall or retreat/reboot. I have tried to be kind and honest with more people both online and off than I can count, and it has taken its toll on my body and brain.
I could easily say "screw this" and go on hiatus, but where am I going? And, with who? Why didn't I enter the writing contest? Or why I’m not willing to hand over my works to publication houses? Well, isn't it obvious?
Anyway, I have to stay strong and keep treading water as best I can. Head above water and keep it there. Will I ever find what I seek? Will it take sacrifice and lowering standards to get it/something? Will I ever be as smart as people think I am? Will I do anything amazing with it?
Land ho! Drama dead ahead! Ensign, set course for first post on the right and on til morning...
I find myself in a quandry. I find myself without a mate (a woman) and casually poking around for one(everywhere I go). And, I also find myself in need of a friend. But, when it comes to female friends, it seems impossible.
Especially when single "friends" either take a strong interest/flirt heavily (whether or not I like their "situation" is another story) or decide to keep their distance once they hear something themselves. Suddenly, "friend" is wiping itself from the vocabulary board, and I am unable to talk to this person about maybe another woman I am interested in myself.
And, what of women in relationships/married? Time is not always available to be the best of friends. And, when a married woman gets a lil too free with her time here, suddenly this casual acquaintance is looking more like an affair. Or, how do I relate to the married details and be a good friend when I know nothing of it?[More on this in a bit.]
I find it difficult to both talk about such things with women as well as to hear other women talk about the men they are seeing/finding. Why can't I separate myself and just be a listenner with an opinion? I want to make a PSA..."Friends don't flirt." And, I still may write one up on this. I have very less male friends either that I can openly talk to about most of this stuff. So, I am really at a loss for freedom to speak and be heard/understood.
And, I admit it. Once you get to knowing and interacting with people on here, you watch your words in posts. Right? So much for speaking our minds. Now we have to watch out for our own mousetraps on the floor. Walking on eggshells...not a good friendship foundation.
I still am not sure if I am even friend worthy or a good friend to anyone. I have talked and listenned so much without achieving anything lasting that I have become a bit blind, deaf and dumb to what's around me. I am tired. I am spent. I just want things to happen. I don't want to fight or work too hard. I feel as if I am getting lazy and comfortable with fear...and I know it's a red flag I don't like at all. But, I am always confused as to what good I am as a friend. I feel more like a toy or a blog website than a friend. Blah.
WANTED: Someone I can call a friend with whom I will have no guams about mixed feelings or risk the relations. Someone who can talk with me about anything and feel good about it later. Someone who won't give up on it before I do:P Someone who will give me courage so that I may pay them back tenfold(whether in courage or other means). Someone I can hang out with and not be uncomfortable. To be comfortable and happy to share freely.
WANTED: A woman to travel the world with and spend the rest of my days loving who will pay me back tenfold(even if I feel I don't deserve it or owe her)...a joy and an inspiration(details pending).
I have seen new members rise and older(or not so old) ones fall or retreat/reboot. I have tried to be kind and honest with more people both online and off than I can count, and it has taken its toll on my body and brain.
I could easily say "screw this" and go on hiatus, but where am I going? And, with who? Why didn't I enter the writing contest? Or why I’m not willing to hand over my works to publication houses? Well, isn't it obvious?
Anyway, I have to stay strong and keep treading water as best I can. Head above water and keep it there. Will I ever find what I seek? Will it take sacrifice and lowering standards to get it/something? Will I ever be as smart as people think I am? Will I do anything amazing with it?
Land ho! Drama dead ahead! Ensign, set course for first post on the right and on til morning...
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