Heartbeats

Did you ever get the feeling that it's really a joke.....
you think you've got it figured out, and then you find that you don't.....
so you say goodbye to the world and now you're floating in space....
You've got no sense of nothing, not even a time or a place....
then suddenly you hear it, its the beat of your heart....
and for the first time in your life you know your life is about to start.

I am now walking the walk on the plank...

A rushing noise.....not in my ears where I hear things...
Not in my brain....pulsing in beats....
Surrounding my head.....pulsing.....breathe.

Gasping....breathe

Pounding in my mind...a thousand million beats per second.
Trembling through time with convulsive rhythm inside my body
I am nerveless....beyond pain
beyond pleasure....relentless beating
the drum of stars flickering...
pounding in my veins....
aching to burst....
I will burst....
I have burst....

But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed today at four o'clock in the morning.

 I bleed and my tears of passion mix with my life's blood.
I am red with my blood...
drenched in it....
my fury, my rage
Fear....frustration all together
And still....
It beats....
Still....
it aches.....

I have grown accustomed to these moments...
and I sometimes am surprised at myself.
I drag the air....
Heavy sighing.....
and that pounding internally....

Inhale....ihhhhh

Exhale....ahhhhh

Finger gripping....
My mind racing.....
What is my heart beat telling me?

Conclusions, I don't want to reach....
Conclusions, I don't want to meet...
Pounding....not subsiding.....no explaining.
I just keep breathing....
will Keep listening to this heart’s beating.....

Remembering..........

I am always....being me