A Letter

I never thought that a girl could confuse me so much. My thoughts and my emotions are a messy jumble of goop. I feel one way about you, but I know I shouldn't. Sometimes when you give me that look, I think you know. But then I think of whom you like. It's such an impossible relationship but I can't help but think of you. Every time I see your face, my heart flutters. Just a glimpse and i know the world is perfect. I always wonder if you know how I feel about you. I steal glances at you and ponder whether you ever think about me. When I close my eyes at night, I dream of you. And even now when I close my eyes, your face greets me in the darkness. I can feel myself glow when I think of you and I can almost feel your arms around me. In my dreams, whenever I look up you're always looking into my eyes with a look of pure love. I can almost melt. I have so many mixed-up feelings for you, but I don't know how to clearly express it. But as much as I dream, deep down under all my thoughts and feelings, I know the truth. Although you've matched my expectations and have been so nice, there's no hope. So many boys adore you and you can have any of them, but you choose not to. I know for none of those boys, including me, are who you really want. Isn't I funny that I want someone that I can't…. I've said the same about you millions of times over and over. I try to convince myself that I'll never think of you again, but look at where I am now no better and maybe even worse. Can you believe that I've ran a million scenarios in my mind over and over and in ALL of them someone is hurt. But in all of them, the one that hurts the most is ME. I can't bring myself to tell you and I don't dare to tell you. NO chance of anything, and yet I still write this and think of you. I can't help it.

I love you more than I can bear to say aloud. My heart never truly strayed from the moment I talked to you. When you leave, a part of me will go with you. Your girlish nature only intrigues me to look deeper, and I have found myself countless times searching your face for a sign…you share my emotions. My heart feels a pang of torment every time I see you coyly flirting. The emotions I feel are so condensed and deep that I myself do not understand them and an explanation would take a thousand pages. Simply enough, I fear I love you. But above that I would always love to see you happy.

[Sobbing]

I love you so much that every time I think of your smile, I cannot breathe. To know that you are so close and, yet, so far, is a torture. I would gladly die if it would mean that I would never see you again. I cannot stand seeing you walk past me, averting your eyes and rushing to avoid me. I want to reach out and stop you from walking away. I want to tell you that every time someone mentions your name, I shrink inside, dreading every word that will follow. I am tired of pretending, tired of being alone, but know, that I will not say a word. I'll walk past you, looking straight into your eyes. And I'll keep on walking…. Without turning back.

[Sobbing]…