Date:
18/11/10
Place:
Bangalore
This is one day that I will never forget. The worst
nightmare I had in my Life till date. I was in my room, sitting on the bed. My
Mom called me around 9 AM in the morning on my phone and she told something & I felt like my heart sunk
into my stomach, and it seemed that the last bit of hope I had had.... just
faded. I didn't really talk about it then, because I needed time to absorb this
fact and think about things alone. I had told my mom a few weeks prior that I
did not think I could handle it at this stage of my Life. That would be the
nail in the coffin, so to speak. What she didn't hear me say was, "But I
don't want to curse your decision." I know that words have power, and what
we speak over ourselves and our situations matter in the spiritual.
The thing she told was she had selected a girl for me and
she wanted me to meet her. Let’s have a brief about that girl. This girl is
from Cuttack---former capital of Orissa. An IITiian. Currently her age is 23(I mean
will be this Sunday). She is an engineer by profession and currently working in
a Fortune 50 Company. She has a job and I’m jobless. Sach mein--- Rab ne Bana Di Jodi.
She wanted me to meet her this Sunday and gave me her number to contact
her. Mom also told me to buy a good jewelery set and present her as a gift. (I have
no idea about jewellery and buying one is like Someone’s claim to fame). She
even told me to fix a good place so the meeting and have casual conversation
and*************....A bond between two families. Huh !!!
“when U love someone the tears fall like rain...
when U love someone their reflection is in evrything you see.
when U love someone their voice is so loud in your mind
unforgotten...
when U love someone they're in your dreams to tuck you in
for the night with a sweet goodnight kiss...”
I Love my Mom Very much and that is why I couldn’t say no to her. I do remember feeling immense anger and a sadness that I had not ever
felt. There were so many deaths in my life right then--the death of dreams, the
death of love, the death of remaining...., the death of hopes, and now there
was this thing that held even more death to a relationship(with my Mom) that
was on the brink of ending. How could I possibly handle this? Maybe I should
just leave, I wondered many times. I decided a place to meet her. A place where
“aaj kal ke ladke ladkiyan pasand nahin karte”. Yes, the place I decided was to
meet at the Jain Temple in Jayanagar this Sunday with a purpose. Rejection.
This
planned event felt like God slapping me in the face. All of these thoughts washed
over me like a Tsunami. The dark claws that had for months been trying to pull
me down deeper into the cavernous hole came up again, and I didn't even care to
fight them. What was the point in me trying to fight for my Life anymore? Who
was I kidding? Was I totally out of my mind for believing that things could be
different? I let the darkness and depression take over. I am tired of being
strong, tired of fighting...Just let me lay down and sleep an eternal sleep.
Yes, I had those thoughts, and I am not ashamed of it. I think that was part of
a normal response to an overwhelming situation.
From the time of my Mom’s call to now, I’m having
only 1 question:-
“How
much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of
feeling? “
Will
inform you all about how my nightmare progressed, after meeting my so
called.......
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