Apology By The "Discarded"

I see you standing there.
I fail to make a move.
I know we're silent now.
I have no more words for you.
And, what you have for me,
I've heard it all before.
So, what's left for us...
When all we do is talk.
I think I need a break.
I guess I'll take a walk.
But, my legs are tired.
I just want to rest.
And, you're not what I'd call,
A safe place for my head.
I've given it some thought.
And, I've chatted with you for hours.
I need something more.
And, I'm not sure I want us to share.
And, maybe you're not sure about giving.
So, I shrug you off.
I let you go.
I keep coming back.
I hate sorries....,
But I'm sorry for the show.
I'm sorry we dance and sing to the tune of life,
Only to get drunk on flirtation
And come away with empty bellies.
I'm always hungry for more...something.
But, I'm tired of the games.
I'm tired of wishful thinking
And tea parties with imaginary friends.
I'm tired of hearing stories and not writing them.
I'm tired of everyone else living while I play therapist.
And, when I'm so tired,
I let people drift.
I give up trying.
And, I may walk away.
I cast you to the sea on a sad-looking raft.
I turn now and then to see you floating out to sea.
And, I wish it wasn't like that.
But, it is......
If there was some way...
I'd let no one go.
But, my thoughts are already crowded.
And, my energy is fading fast.
I can't sustain everyone.
I'd like to be the hero.
But, I need a hero of my own.
And, I doubt you all want to share.
I don't need another heated argument
Or some drunken, green jealousy.
I just need some peace and happiness.
And a trustworthy companion who will never stray.
Someone who will never bore me.
Never frustrate me enough to loathe our time together.
Never drain my energy or make me plead for air.
Someone who won't make me cry
Or feel like my dreams are dead and gone.
An angel who will help me find the wings to fly.
Find purpose and happiness in this life.
And, we will then fly together.
I just...
Maybe you're not so bad.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe...
I'm sorry....

You Made Me Believe

"Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool.
They will not listen to anyone.
So nobody tells them a lie."

There were times where I felt like you didn't care.
And times where I thought you just hated me.
It was all just feeling.
Just a feeling I let get to me.
I knew it wasn't true.
I knew you were different from them all.
But, somehow I was thinking you would be one of them.

One that would hurt me.
One that would ignore me, and take every piece of my confidence away from me.
But,you're different.
Even more different than I thought.
I was thinking of holding your hand while I lay-ed on the hospital bed.
I was thinking of putting my head on your shoulder for comfort.
You showed me that there is love out there.
You called me when I least expected your call

You just have to wait. Let love find you..
You proved to be that you do care.
And you do want the best for me.
You know I care about you too.
And you know I would do anything to help, in the best of my ability.
But, I feel like I cant help.
Because I really don't know how to help myself.
I want you to know that I appreciate you more than anything in the world right now.
You got me through those tough times.
The broken road where I couldn't walk.
And picked me up every time I fell.
I love how you make up my world.

"You want to like me, but you are likely undecided.
The voice inside is always right; which is why the awkward silence.
Not gonna risk losing you.
Which is why I'm never gonna woo-oo you."

You're more than I deserve. Without you, I'd be in the gutter. You've graced me with your kindness, your perfect love. For that I'm grateful - There's not a day goes by I don't think about how special you are, how spectacularly lucky I will be if You choose me to be your One.

No matter the road, no matter the destination, no matter the pot holes, no matter the barriers, no matter the condemnation, no matter the length, no matter the weather, no matter the climate -  

I Will Love You. With My Whole. My Everything.

Random Thoughts: Stream of Consciousness

Is there really ever a beginning? I mean ever one you can get to...  When people ask you to start at the beginning, what does that mean? Do you start at the beginning of that moment, day, year...? Do you start at what lead you to the moment, day or year....?  And exactly, how much of the beginning does one really want to hear anyway?  So, I'm not going to start at any particular 'beginning'...I'm just going to write. There won't be a story line or piece by piece puzzle that will all fit together into some grand picture at the end of this journey...This is just me, a guy with a whole lot of questions, a whole lot of heartache, frustration, loneliness.....and love.  

i don't know what to say to her

do i tell her everything will end up right

or do i say how much i care 

and that i'll be here till the end?

how do i bring the smile back to her face

i miss the way she used to look

a grin from ear to ear

i thought she would be so happy 

but broken hearts get to the best of us

I don't know what to say to her

she doesn't believe a word i say

i tell her that  i'd give her a hug 

she doesn't know how to respond

I'd do anything to see a smile on her face

passion in her eyes

love breaking her heart

 Well, I'm in the middle of homework.  Homework due tomorrow.  Anyway....lets see here... though I had actual thoughts but maybe more than anything… I'm procrastinating.  It's ironic really.  I'm a bad student who doesn’t like making good grades....therefore i'm also a procrastinator.   I'm not as much of one as i use to be but i still have my moments.  I feel like things have been mostly about training and work and some sleep and thoughts about her.  i feel like the past week or two has been mostly that...ok not entirely but mostly.....I feel kinda ADD right now.....maybe that's why my thoughts r not exactly organized....at least its organic, right? lol.....I feel so  in need of a break.  It's not that too much is on me but its just that I have stuff to do all the time.  But its better probably for me than not being busy.  When i'm not busy I have a hard time relaxing, and i just tend not to do as well.  If i'm way to busy it wears on me too....I just have to find my balance.  Now that things r done w/ Vasu, I feel in need of some friend time, ha and shopping time.   I even have hang out shoping plans lined up, but there w/ a friend that things r alright w/ but we have history.  Sometimes I feel like i don't even know if i should only be friend with vasu.... According to me she is the only one who could make me perfect in various aspects....that sounds kinda weird, maybe rude but i do wonder sometimes.  I guess its just that i have friends and that i have seen both their good and bad sides and when i was younger i really didn’t have those kind of friends, the ones u know too well.   

Man, i hope i don't sound like a jerk.  I guess I'm just questioning things. right now i want things to stay kinda stable as they r, mostly cus i don't wanna experience isolation....

Couldn’t feel much better than the way I feel tonight.

Feels like I could live forever, feels like I could fly

Coz when I thought I’d get it wrong,

You somehow make things right

It’s the way you make me feel

It’s better than it’s ever been

I can’t seem to control it,

It’s the way you make me feel

Weird…huh… idk where all of this babbling is coming from.... I don't know it would be an approval or rejection from you... to publish u or not... random thoughts? that is the question. Awaiting for the answer

Look at what I can do...

I too can hide maliciousness in my words, so that only those who seek between the lines can see.

I too can make bad feelings roam in minds with the gashes of my pen.

I too can stare at your face and laugh in glee at what I have wrought there.

I too can make your friends turn a blind eye to the good, and only see the small crack of hate and deteriorating thoughts.

But I choose not to, I choose love.


I, too, can hide behind a mask, and spit hatred while others, unknowingly point sticks and laugh at the one in the trusses.

I, too, can be a joker, forcing a smile, while plunging a knife so deep into anothers soul.

I, too, can make a display of other's weakness and allow the masses to titter in glee at the sleight of hand behind my back.

I, too, can disappear and re-apper choosing which mask would best display my goods.

But I choose not to, I choose to hold your hand.


I, too, can hide behind my Lies and make mockery with a small surrender.

I, too, can chatter into another's ears, because the conversation has gotten so deep in the "rut" and someone might see behind my smile.

I, too, can flavor the soup, so that those who taste don't recognize the poison.

I, too, can hold a carrot to your nose, letting you breathe the hold I have around your bosom.


But, I choose not too, I choose to surrender my heart.