Heartbeats

Did you ever get the feeling that it's really a joke.....
you think you've got it figured out, and then you find that you don't.....
so you say goodbye to the world and now you're floating in space....
You've got no sense of nothing, not even a time or a place....
then suddenly you hear it, its the beat of your heart....
and for the first time in your life you know your life is about to start.

I am now walking the walk on the plank...

A rushing noise.....not in my ears where I hear things...
Not in my brain....pulsing in beats....
Surrounding my head.....pulsing.....breathe.

Gasping....breathe

Pounding in my mind...a thousand million beats per second.
Trembling through time with convulsive rhythm inside my body
I am nerveless....beyond pain
beyond pleasure....relentless beating
the drum of stars flickering...
pounding in my veins....
aching to burst....
I will burst....
I have burst....

But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed today at four o'clock in the morning.

 I bleed and my tears of passion mix with my life's blood.
I am red with my blood...
drenched in it....
my fury, my rage
Fear....frustration all together
And still....
It beats....
Still....
it aches.....

I have grown accustomed to these moments...
and I sometimes am surprised at myself.
I drag the air....
Heavy sighing.....
and that pounding internally....

Inhale....ihhhhh

Exhale....ahhhhh

Finger gripping....
My mind racing.....
What is my heart beat telling me?

Conclusions, I don't want to reach....
Conclusions, I don't want to meet...
Pounding....not subsiding.....no explaining.
I just keep breathing....
will Keep listening to this heart’s beating.....

Remembering..........

I am always....being me

My Relationship...

Life should not be about what fights we get in or the pain we feel...I think in a way life should be a passage to grow and learn from these fights and pains. Then through my mass crazy life style I learned a lesson of trust...I expect my girl friend to trust me but then how can i expect that when I have a hard time trusting....  relationships should be about the love and trust you have for each other not the ongoing fight of a couple about not enough time spent on each other.   

I’m destined to be alone. I’ve pretty much been a loner my entire life so the fact that I feel this way doesn’t surprise me. It seems like all of my friends are in serious committed relationships or engaged and some have even gotten married already. But looking back, there is only one single person whom I feel like I have "that" type of connection with. The only people who I felt would always be there for me regardless of anything we’ve been through are either deceased or they have betrayed me so bad that I don’t speak to them anymore. Can’t afford to lose her...but she never understands that and always engages in a fight.

I think all I need is to talk to her. My thoughts are more fluid when I say them out loud. I feel like once its out in the open I don't have to hide behind masks.

but will she understand?

 I doubt she will ever "get it." But it would be nice to know she doesn't judge it. I need someone who would say to her, 'oh those are baby scars" or "Why the **** would you do that?!" I need her to talk to. All of my relationships are salutation-deep. 

no, she will never understand.

Starting to feel like I’m broken and numb to feel anything. I’ve been sheltering my emotions so much that I’m starting to wonder if even there are anymore. It’s not even that I’ve been sheltering them, I’ve just been sheltering myself from feeling like I felt this winter as to say. Granted, everyone controls their own happiness but I might as well stay away from people that could take the one ounce of solitude I have left.

I want to be better, or do I? I think I like being depressed, hungry, hurt. It makes me more in tune with myself, my carnal being, my spirit. But the reverse, when I have to be happy, or worse, when I actually am, feel so fake to me. This state feels natural. This feels like me.