Emotional Equilibrium

Hey friends!

Its been a Long time..... no Blog.....I guess... Since I don't want you people to feel like I abandoned ship after boarding the Ship of Love.....I decided to blog today about the EMOTIONS that I felt in this week... It would be difficult to blog tomorrow or later on coz tomorrow is a holiday and i am going to sleep on this day..ha ha ha... I am going to watch Vampire Diaries (Season 2) later but I couldn't help myself from typing in "BLOGGER" as I have nothing to do now sitting in office on a Saturday afternoon... Well lemme stop rambling! 

She shall remain nameless here... . Well, recently I have been acting a bit FLIRTY with her. I enjoy in my relationship, even though it can sometimes be difficult.  When I hug her, the whole world seems to melt away. That is one of the best feelings I have ever had. There was a time when I swore I would never fall in love and never live happily ever after but things always change in life.  You just have to deal with it.

She is much younger than me and way more free spirited.  I don't know what attracted me. All I know was to hang on to this relationship with locks and chains. She's the kind of person that can't sit still for more than five minutes and has to have people around her constantly while I'm more of a loner.  I relish any chance I can to be alone. :P

I can't bear the thought of being without her. She's anything I need when I need it. She knows when to give me a kick in the butt when I need it. I don't know how, but somehow I end up doing the same with her. I love her more than anything, and it comes as naturally as breathing. We've never had an awkward silence (unless it's a funny one), or an argument or a fight. Honestly, she's made some mistakes and she's far from perfect but the same goes for me (I do a lot more). She has a lot of the qualities that I wish I had and a lot of things that we share. She makes me forget the whole world just by talking to her on the phone.

If only we could be close to each other....... Some cruel fate decided to put us on separate sides of the country. My heart aches...every time I wish I had her here... Distance leads to differences....And that’s what has happened...

I have learnt that no matter how hard you try to do good for someone, they won’t realise for a very long time. That yearn you have for her to see that you are the one available, you are the one caring and asking if she has eaten, but she doesn’t realize, she think its common courtesy, she doesn’t notice you have so much more to say. There’s always that hope that maybe ten years later she'll remember and re-discover the way i used to behave, but is it worth it in the end?

There will always be people who give out in earnest and there will always be people who take with no thought, a balance of the two, an equilibrium is a nice thought, and for many people - a reality. But for the rest of us all, who lie awake at night, remembering the one sided conversation, what we could have said differently, there is a way to beat this.

It’s hard to handle someone with trust issues. It makes you feel like you are constantly defending yourself against a bombardment of accusations at every turn. Its exhausting. No matter what you say, they always assume you’re lying. I realize that sometimes the truth may be hard to swallow, and I have my reservations at times. Because things may appear to look a certain way, you can conjure-up every negative assumption possible, but sometimes the truth doesn't add up--it just doesn't. Sometimes the trust isn't what you want to hear, or want to believe---but its the TRUTH.

Trust is the foundations, and without it, our house will crumble. The only thing I can do is stick by my honesty. If she refuses to believe me, then we both will loose in the end.

Sometimes a lie is....”she refusing to believe the truth”...

I love her. Everyday I love her more and I feel so safe saying so. I feel safe putting myself in such a weak position. We have to stay strong. I want to be with her and be able to love her my whole life. I don’t know what she wants....but I wish... the sole dream of mine gets fulfilled.

My thoughts dissolve into the deepening of night

To hang suspended for briefest time

A lucid light against celestial night

And one wonders

Who shapes and fashions the thoughts we conceive

I am the seer of my dreams for I am the oracle of my soul.

Some say dreams are symbols

Where...this means this and that means that

And I smile within

And my soul laughs on the cusp of other awakenings

Men want such simple answers cast in black and white

And yet I dream in colours the world has never seen.

My soul wanders with my dreams along unremembered paths.

Which while hidden by day

The ebony night reveals.

Dreams have told me the future that I’d never seen

And I have seen future that I wasn’t brave enough to believe.

Yes,

And future as a picture laid

As if to accompany a story on a page.

Have you never flown within your dreams

And did it seem so unreal

Haven’t you ever directed your dreams

To a wish for end

To answer your desires?

You do not hear with ears the voices that speak within

We are alive to other senses there than we know below.

Thoughts are not the last freedom of the soul but dreams ~

Dreams beyond the telling of words

But kept in the knowing of the heart.

I have dreamt

And on the following day

Seen how the answer to a prayer would have been fulfilled.

I have dreamt the amber of sunset in your eyes

And the faint rose of dawn

Whose touch glows upon your cheeks and lingers on your lips.

You, who I have never held,

Who moves within my dreams as a stirrer of my soul –

Is this just the wisp of emotion imagined a moment before dawn

To hold until the sunrise

Or kindred soul I’ve known so long,

Beyond the telling of ages

And beyond the meaning of man’s understanding of love,

An younger heart who still delights in me

During infrequent dreams

As shifting shadows that mortal minds recall

But eternal hearts warm to

As if embraced with a kiss after distant journeys.

As if to say,

Still

You are mine and I am forever yours.

For dreams which vanish with the light of day are not forgotten,

And perhaps it happened once upon a dream...

In the Midnight

Heartbeats…..I can hear it…..its beating fast….very fast…..

Its 1 am, a cold February night, calm breeze touching my neck, sometimes shivering, curtains blowing, moonlight on my bed, no one around, watching the huge painting of  Niagara Falls in my room, heard some one calling me…..*****, I suddenly realized I was in a different world, again heard it…*****. Looked down the window, a very known face, I have seen him some where, but couldn’t make out.

He said... “Come down *****, u promised we will go down to the river side, come soon am waiting”. An unknown power forced me to go down. He was standing there in our courtyard, moon light falling on his smiling face. He was tall, well built, not so fair, but his smile, was telling many things. I stood there looking at him, trying to recognize the familiar face. He shook me up saying, “what are you thinking, let’s go”. I simply nodded my head and started walking with him towards the river side.

The roads litted with moon light, both walking side by side, he broke the silence saying “see what I have brought for you, fried green peas, I know you like it right?” I just stopped there, and astonishingly looked at his face, how did he know I liked fried green peas, I never said this to him. He smiled and said “now don’t get surprised, I know all your likes and dislikes, lets walk”.

Sweet smell of Jasmine flowers, we both along with the moon, sitting and hearing the flow of river water, eating fried green peas, the cold river-side wind, blew my hair, made it unmanageable, I was about to tie my hair, when he said, “don’t tie it, u look beautiful with opened hairs”. Looked at my watch its 2 am, I said I have to leave, his reply again left me spell-bound. He said “don’t you want to know my name, who I am, my address, my back ground?” I realized my mistake and to cover it up, had this conversation.

Me: What’s your name?

He:  My name is ******

Me: What do you do, I mean do you work or study?

He:  I am a painter, I play with colours

Me: Where do you stay?

He:  In your colony, haven’t you ever seen me?

Then I remembered that I have seen him few times at the bus stop and on road. I continued….

Me: But how did you know me?

He: The huge painting of Niagara Falls in your room, its my work.

Me: That’s fine, but that was gifted by my aunty, she bought it, how did you know its in my room?

He: My paintings are my blood and flesh, so where ever they go I stay with them, by this way I know you as well..

However his answer did not convince me enough, it again forced me to think something, immediately he said, “you will never change, why do you think so much, its better not to find out certain answers”. I still continued with my questions.

Me: But when did I promise you that I will go out with you?

He: (Smiling) I knew you will forget, remember last time when we spoke over phone you promised me that you will come out with me.

I was completely surprised to his words, he gave me hundreds of instances where we had spoken to each other, but I didn’t remember even one….

It was 5.45 am in the morning, when I woke up with the sound of birds chirping, and found myself on the river banks. He was not there with me, I shouted out his name couple of times but couldn’t find him. I walked back to my home, finding out the reasons for what happened last night, but couldn’t find none, just thinking of it….left me realize that he was not in real but just a mere imagination of mine…..

By Panchali (a dear friend of mine)

Breathless

There are a lot of sayings about love now a days, a lot of quotes, poems, movies, music, etc.. If you look at it, you can base just about anything on love. There is always something to represent a special care, a feeling, an emotion, an action that resembles love. And saying this, I want to talk about first loves. By "first loves", I mean the first person you actually cared deeply about and thought you were in love with them. I have a story of first love and how she fell in Love...

So, I assume everyone has fallen in love at some point in their lives already, and if you haven't, hold on tight because that will be one roller coaster you probably won't want to ride anymore, especially when you fall in love at such a young age. She fell in love with the wrong guy at the age of 16. The first love is the one love that is impossible to forget, but in this case it is the pain (pun intended).  There is always the one thing that brings you back to that one time where you seemed to be happy with this one person. Everything was perfect at the time and you thought that nothing could go wrong, you feel like you know him your whole like and you feel like he/she is the one for you, the one you'll marry and have your kids with. Ultimately by looks every girl dreams of having a Prince like partner. Everything gets exciting especially commencing the relationship when you are just getting to know each other, the best part. With that one love you share so many memories and endless stories and also harsh tears and arguments that bring you to the reason why these guys broke up. It took her 11 months to decide that He is not the right guy and the nightmares are haunting her now.  And just thinking about it just lets her down. Then there's those nights that you cry about it and sometimes blame yourself when it wasn't your fault to begin with.

" I spend my days looking through pages
Trying to find a way to get away from me
With love to give that leaves you Breathless
Now all I need is to find a way back inside my mind"
THIS IS NOT THE END

Well they say that one nail takes out another, so you go out and try to find someone else that can help you forget about what happened and just have the chance to start over, start fresh. You find that one person, but then you start comparing them to your first love, (I personally don't do that because I get annoyed when the opposite sex compare to their ex's..) but, I understand how hard it is to forget about someone you fell in love (attraction) with. Every little thing they do reminds you of how things used to be, you won't do things you did with your ex because it was something that only you two share, something special. This second person seems to not care about you as much as the first initially and things go downhill from there. The arguments start, and the phone calls are less frequent. But what's important in this matter, is to not give up ever.

Another thing they say is that the third one's a charm. Okay so you meet one more person which you happen to get along with well. This person brings back the feelings that were hidden within you that you were afraid to let out, all those feelings that disappeared with your first heartbreak. Being with this person helped you forget all those times you got hurt and cheated on, all the tears, the fights, door slams, and screaming. With this person you feel like a new door has opened up but you still have bits and pieces of your first love (as mentioned earlier its attraction rather than Love) in the back of your head. His presence makes you feel safe, like for once in your life something feels right. But something goes wrong, some kind of torture and you stop talking. Heartbroken again. Then she decides...”why to strangle my present, thinking about the past. He is there for me... He knows everything...He has accepted me knowing everything...then why am I afraid? What am i afraid of? I should let go all of these thoughts. I know He will be there with me forever.”

Hopefully my last saying is that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was always meant to be yours. So this first love decides that he made a mistake by leaving you and wants to make things work again. He missed your smile, the way you would look at him, how jealous he would get when she would flirt around with guys and everything about you. Although he's having trouble admitting to himself about his feelings, he decides to put her to the test. He starts flirting with some girl in your face just to see if she'd get jealous. He sees or at least thinks that you aren’t and gets hapless. God is definitely giving him a second chance to Him, but she doesn't accepts coz she had a nightmare... she is not even listening to him...she lets Him go to waste. She forgot about her first love who was rather a crush and replaced it with a new love....the love of her life... the ONE she was searching of...the ONE she dreamt of... the ONE she described in her Dream Diary...  So if you think about it, the first guy you weren't really in love with. You just thought you were and now you know the truth. First loves are always hard to get over and half of the time you're not really in love with them in the first place. It took someone almost 5 years to get over her first love. You were not in love... you can get rid of it easily... The ONE is always with YOU