Dream in Thoughts Land ---- Part 2

[ Note : This is the next blog in the series. Again its not written by me. It is written by one of my dearest friend. As per her request I have not mentioned her name  ]

28.11.2010

Yesterday I had spent a sleepless night, thinking of the decision that I have taken of again loving somebody. Today, happens to be Sunday…. which I generally wait for the whole week…. was awesome. I went for a family outing and dinner with my cousins. But whole of the time I was thinking about him. I was thinking that does he really love me? Or I misinterpreted his feelings…didn’t speak to him since morning, neither on chat, nor on phone, not even by SMS. I was worried.

Though I was in between the crowd…still I was feeling lonely… might be coz I was missing him… I was wondering that is he remembering me as I am doing? Or is he with somebody else flirting around….I was Blank…Is he genuine or just a flirt? Obviously, He is not a flirt, my heart addresses, he has touched my feelings, my heart, just by few conversations he has come very close to me, I feel him in my breathe, around me. He is on my mind.

I came back soon just to find out if he was available on chat or not, he was not there…he was not there for me. Now I am again “Alone”

.

The clock just now ticked to 12 O’clock. Its midnight. Every body are fast asleep, its calm and silent. I am able to hear my heart beat, its beating fast… very fast. I am missing him, but where is he? Tried to gather some courage to give him a call, the phone rang, but there was no reply. Is he intentionally not picking up my call or is there something wrong with him? Is he fine? Am feeling helpless…

Its 12.35 am and I am still waiting for him, suddenly a thought stuck my mind, that does he really exists, or is he just my imagination? I have spoken to him but have not seen him, yet. How would he look like? But if he is my imagination then why am I not able to imagine him today…where is he? Since last seven days he is there with me, talking with me, chatting with me, I have heard him speaking, he can’t be my imagination? He is there in real, I know that…

Is he angry on me….or has he found somebody else? I didn’t express my feelings to him, then why will he be angry? Oh God!!! I don’t want to loose him. Don’t leave me alone… Please…

Its 1 o’ clock and am still thinking of him.. Reality or My Imagination. I am too confused. I think he was my imagination. Yesterday I realized that “I LOVE HIM” ….and today he is not there. What does this mean, that I was imagining him of being my friend, my love, my inspirations, my life, may be…he doesn’t exist at all.

I am alone thinking about him but would never ever forget him. Last seven days were the best days where I was able to discover a new me, his inspiring words “that nothing is over in your life *****, it’s just the beginning.”  I will never forget him. He has made me lively, and made me realize that LOVE exists not by physical touch but by emotional touch.

Tomorrow would be a new beginning for me… where every thing would be nice and happy as before. I would always admire his words and inspirations, his echoing words “that nothing is over in your life *****, it’s just the beginning.” Yes I know it’s the beginning, it’s the beginning of a new life, a new love, a new me. My love for him would always be alive, pure and divine just the way he was….

YOURS SHONA

Dream in Thoughts Land

28.11.10

Its 3.27 am and am still awake…feeling sleepy but can’t sleep. Thousands of questions in my mind… seeking to find out those answers. Got some but many unanswered. Why me, why always me, never thought my life would change so much….no feelings left, no emotions left. Is this what my life is going to be? Doesn’t he remember me ever. I remember how happy I used to be, but today am standing on the threshold of life full of anger, anxiety, sadness, madness, love, hatred. I know I have to move on…. Move forward in my life, but how? Can’t I be happy “Alone”, is it necessary to have a soul-mate in your life. Confused!!

I am moving forward..slowly, steadily, taking every decision in my life with a calm mind. But am I right?

I don’t understand who is serious and who is playing with my emotions, I just know that somebody is trying to make my emotions alive which were dead since long……..

But can it happen? Can I ever think of somebody else? Oh God!! Please help me out..

Surprisingly enough, may be I am still thinking about him, who has made me laugh after such a long time, made me cry, helped me to take out my emotions, frustrations, anger.

He feels we are more than friends, he conveys… he likes me, loves me, LOVE what a beautiful word…but is he serious? Even I am getting inclined towards him. Is this a normal phenomena or just an indication that my life hasn’t stopped. I can still be Loved and can love somebody….somebody so special….

Its 3.53 am, we were talking with each other an hour back, I thanked him for being with me till so late…..he said “are u mad? How can you tell me thank you…I will be always there for you”. It made me feel so special…so cared…so loved….but now an hour later am again “Alone”, sad, unhappy and confused. Does he really love me or is he making a mockery out of me…may be he is serious or he would be feeling happy doing this…I don’t know…

Why am I feeling like this? Why? Is this LOVE or just an attraction…

We both are sailing on the same ship, both of our hearts broken by somebody, trying to recover from the situations…Can we be good friends or he is the only one whom I was looking for. May be…. May be Not, but yes he is special, and he has made me feel special.

Its 4.13 am and am still awake, now smiling, blushing, recalling the words that he was trying to tell me, recalling the sentiments he was showing towards me. He asked “you don’t understand what I am trying to say, right? I intentionally crossed his words and said “You have gone mad”, but now I realize what I have started feeling about him.

Its hardly been a week we have known each other, and these kind of sentiments, will they not hurt me later? Am I taking this decision in my senses? Am I going right? Isn’t it too fast for me to take such a vital decision? Thousands of questions again have made me think hard…very hard.

Its 5 am in the morning, and am still awake, seeing the sun rise, hearing the birds chirping. Is this a positive sign of God that I am right? Yes, I am right. I am very much right. I have heard my conscience saying that Yes “ I LOVE HIM”. I don’t care if he loves me or not, he cares for me or not…I know I love him, if again my heart breaks that’s my destiny, that’s my fault not his, because there is a very true saying that “ITS BETTER TO LOVE AND LOOSE RATHER THAN NEVER TO LOVE”

LOVE YOU ALWAYS….YOUR SHONA 

 {Note: This is not written by me. This is written by a very close friend of mine. won't disclose her name as per her request.}

The Opulent Songbird- Part 3- Romeo

I stood in disbelief of what had happened. The wind itself turning against me, preventing me from freeing the songbird of her cage. Even for just a moment. But, deep down, even I knew it would not be for just a moment. I wanted more. And, the wind knew, as well.

On a whim, I began pleading with the songbird. I peppered her with personal questions. I wanted answers. Answers that might put my uncertain concerns to rest. She tried to convince me that all was well with her situation. But, in my heart, I disagreed with every word she sang to me.

I could tell the wind sensed my frustration. It knew my intent and was starting to grow restless. Impatient. Intolerant.

I gave the songbird one last heartfelt thought. The burning question struck her breast like a flaming arrow. With that final effort, reason outweighed her premature contentment and childlike fears. Reason to escape her gilded prison. And, I once again made it my goal to free her.

Quickly, I reached up and repeatedly tore at the lock with my fingers(as if my own hand was all that was needed). But, it would not budge. The songbird told me it would not be enough. She chirped a shrill note high into the air which magically opened the prison door and allowed her to fly free.

High above the tree under which I stood, the clouds began to swirl and darken with a thunderous rage. The surrounding trees hissed and moaned as they pointed their branches at the songbird and I. A storm was swiftly brewing and focussing its fury upon my head. The gilded cage tossed and twirled as the winds intensified. More brittle brown leaves began pelting my face and forearms as forceful gusts tore at my shoulders and ankles. Slowly dropping to my knees, I could feel my breath becoming short.

"No!" cried the songbird as she watched me weaken against the strong wind's wrath.

I watched her flutter above me. Though she was fighting the wind with a heart full of terror, she still looked beautiful. High above her, I could see the clouds growing darker by the second. Sparks of lightning forming. Thunder growling ever louder. An electrical storm. A furious brew of disapproval from the heavens. The wrath of Zeus himself just waiting for the pivotal moment to strike.

As I sensed the finger of death about to descend, I leapt up from my knees and ahead of the songbird. She was just as surprised as I was by my actions. Suddenly, an unseen force shot down from the sky and penetrated my chest like a sharpened steel rod. Before I could finish blinking, my heart stopped. And, I tasted blood.

Once more, I fell to my knees and then all fours. I watched the blood dripping from my lips vanish into the tall grass. My vision began to fade.

The songbird fluttered in front of me, crying out in terror. Horrified by the sight and fearing I would die too soon. She kept wailing, "I meant no harm! I meant no harm!"

I watched her bright yellow feathers blur before my eyes til she resembled a star glowing in the dark of night. I felt my equilibrium fail as I teetered onto my head. A forceful hand pressed upon my face as if trying to push it underground. My strength rapidly draining, I knew the end was near. I could not tell if I was crying, but my eyes felt wet. And, I prayed I had done the right thing. I prayed the songbird would be okay and free to live as she pleased. I also prayed that the wind would come to its senses and leave her be. Not threaten to take her life this way. That...was my final thought.

As she realized the present means of her release was finally gone from this world, the songbird shed one final tear in a brief, heartfelt song of sorrow. Then, taking flight, she headed north. She fled the scene with all her might. [She would not let me die without honor.] And, the forceful winds pursued her, determined to recapture their beloved prisoner. Tugging at her long tail feathers til she found the strength to break free. She flew faster than she ever had before to where the northern winds would not let those of the south reach her. Sanctuary high atop a snow-capped mountain where her tears would stay long enough to sort her feelings in peace.

Nighmare--I'm Haunted (Part 2)

I sit here and type this knowing that I really should be searching or preparing for job/interview knowing that i have less than 24 hours to get in.  However, have you ever gotten something on your mind and you just can't focus on anything else until you express your feelings on said subject to someone?  That is what is going on with me right now. 

Make yourself perfectly easy about this trip...... A trip to the traditions of India. People in general look for the end of the week; they feel as if it will all end soon just because the end of the section of a six days in which they can hangout to get refreshed. So the turn of the week is a hot bed of fertility if you wish to start a trip. But in my case the trip started in the mid of the week and ended on the last day of the week. 

It is interesting to note the postmodernist accretions of this particular mutation of the strain which we all posses during the tiring week: the strain vanished by seeing the disarming overlay of a casual, regular beautiful......; the fast-and-loose references to the culture; But the thing that really caused me to write was the notion, embedded in the minds of four of us, the feeling , that just can't even begin to communicate meaningfully because our intents and purposes. I do not deny that this can be a very compelling response when confronted with someone with an outlook which is fundamentally divergent from one's own. I just don know what i wrote above.....bear with me..... the story is very simple..so here it goes...

I had two sleepless nights considering the fact that i have to meet her and the most difficult thing was buying a gift. I couldn’t do any work. Earlier I had planned of buying the gift on Saturday, and that’s why i have kept the whole day free for this piece of work. 

        On Saturday morning i left my room and travelled first to Commercial street (advised by a c0-passenger when i was coming back from home). The place famous for........ well...after reaching there i went to many shops, showrooms but couldn’t find anything suitable..... 

        After searching for many areas, I finally landed up at C Krishnaiah Chetty & Sons,  probably the biggest and the best jewellery shop in Bangalore. I finally asked the sales man to show some good works.... He then replied “Sir...What you want exactly...necklace, ring, choori”. Now an current passed through me...i had no idea about what I want....What woud suit her. My face turned pale.... Seeing this a lady aging around 40 came near me. She was purchasing some jewellery for her daughter. She asked why uou look pale and confused. I had no idea what to answer. But any how i gathered some courage and told that i needed something to gift....and then i stopped......She asked for whom... and now it is the most difficult question.... A no touch attitude is a term I use to describe at this stage.......shutting out the outside world as much as possible while in the beginning and mid stages of the pursuit of happiness. It's like putting yourself under construction just for the time being while you repair your outlook for the positive and happiness.

I told her every bit...everything...she then smiled and told take this...it would suit her....She selected a golden bracelet....it was very beautiful... something i really had to admire and thanked her.... While i was leaving after making the purchase she called me and gave me a “Ganda Brunda”-- a two headed mythical bird representing royalty, craftsmanship and uniqueness—as its symbol . It is the identity associated with the shop. She told that gift this also.....from Me. I again thanked her and left.

Finally the day arrived.  I do not know how to tell With just THAT HABLARTE, still I am trying to give a small description gathering all my senses.......... I have a habit of reaching late on the very first day....be it anything.... so i prepared myself way before the time and reached the destination by 9 30 am. I went inside the temple and sat on the pendal and started listening to music with my earphones on. After few minutes i got a message from her that she has reached and asking where was I. I went to the gate to receive her. The entrance was crowdy and in that crowd stood a beautiful young girl... she was in modified traditional Indian dress.. (I thought she would be in jeans as she was a bit Hi-fi type....but I was proved wrong). I went to her and wished her Happy Birthday and gave her the gift. She thanked me....it was the first time i heard her voice...it was so sweet..so serene.... we stayed there for around 30 minutes....and then she told me to lets have something and then she took me to the food plaza that was in Bangalore Central. We had food together and then she took me to the men’s section and bought me a Van Heusen shirt and then a PEPE Jeans. Huh!!!. That was so sweet of her. She got my taste in just few minutes. Now i was feeling the inferiority complex infront of an IITian. I did all the weird things that i can so that she will reject me.....but mere bad luck itna acha tha ki it impressed her...she was finding it funny and humorous. She told i was different from the crowd that she used to live in...she enjoyed my company...... She gave a nice compliment....My jaw dropped open..... Gathering all my courage....i came back to my normal life and then we had a casual conversation.... Add to this the sideshows the smile, the way she conversed was just awesome.... which made it even more profitable with its strange phenomena constantly being "proven" right before your eyes, and why not? The end was near, anything could happen, so it did. 

Then she bid adieu and while leaving see told Let’s meet next week which i nodded and then she left. I wanted to get rejected but at the same time i was enjoying her company. I don’t know why i was feeling in such an awkward manner. I was happy for the time being that the date finally ended and sad at the same time that she left. In the end it was a booming and very profitable for both of us. Atleast the time flew by... Mind you, I kept this clearly in mind when I decided to write this...........................

While leaving she said the following line which swept me from the floor and the respect for her grew more....

"We are those who stand out because everything comes together.”

Nightmare---I'm Haunted

Date: 18/11/10

Place: Bangalore

This is one day that I will never forget. The worst nightmare I had in my Life till date. I was in my room, sitting on the bed. My Mom called me  around 9 AM in the morning on my phone and she told something & I felt like my heart sunk into my stomach, and it seemed that the last bit of hope I had had.... just faded. I didn't really talk about it then, because I needed time to absorb this fact and think about things alone. I had told my mom a few weeks prior that I did not think I could handle it at this stage of my Life. That would be the nail in the coffin, so to speak. What she didn't hear me say was, "But I don't want to curse your decision." I know that words have power, and what we speak over ourselves and our situations matter in the spiritual.

The thing she told was she had selected a girl for me and she wanted me to meet her. Let’s have a brief about that girl. This girl is from Cuttack---former capital of Orissa. An IITiian. Currently her age is 23(I mean will be this Sunday). She is an engineer by profession and currently working in a Fortune 50 Company. She has a job and I’m jobless. Sach mein--- Rab ne Bana Di Jodi. She wanted me to meet her this Sunday and gave me her number to contact her. Mom also told me to buy a good jewelery set and present her as a gift. (I have no idea about jewellery and buying one is like Someone’s claim to fame). She even told me to fix a good place so the meeting and have casual conversation and*************....A bond between two families.  Huh !!!

“when U love someone the tears fall like rain...

when U love someone their reflection is in evrything you see.

when U love someone their voice is so loud in your mind unforgotten...

when U love someone they're in your dreams to tuck you in for the night with a sweet goodnight kiss...”

          I Love my Mom Very much and that is why I couldn’t say no to her. I do remember feeling immense anger and a sadness that I had not ever felt. There were so many deaths in my life right then--the death of dreams, the death of love, the death of remaining...., the death of hopes, and now there was this thing that held even more death to a relationship(with my Mom) that was on the brink of ending. How could I possibly handle this? Maybe I should just leave, I wondered many times. I decided a place to meet her. A place where “aaj kal ke ladke ladkiyan pasand nahin karte”. Yes, the place I decided was to meet at the Jain Temple in Jayanagar this Sunday with a purpose. Rejection.

 

         This planned event felt like God slapping me in the face. All of these thoughts washed over me like a Tsunami. The dark claws that had for months been trying to pull me down deeper into the cavernous hole came up again, and I didn't even care to fight them. What was the point in me trying to fight for my Life anymore? Who was I kidding? Was I totally out of my mind for believing that things could be different? I let the darkness and depression take over. I am tired of being strong, tired of fighting...Just let me lay down and sleep an eternal sleep. Yes, I had those thoughts, and I am not ashamed of it. I think that was part of a normal response to an overwhelming situation.

       From the time of my Mom’s call to now, I’m having only 1 question:-

“How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling? “

Will inform you all about how my nightmare progressed, after meeting my so called.......