A Letter

I never thought that a girl could confuse me so much. My thoughts and my emotions are a messy jumble of goop. I feel one way about you, but I know I shouldn't. Sometimes when you give me that look, I think you know. But then I think of whom you like. It's such an impossible relationship but I can't help but think of you. Every time I see your face, my heart flutters. Just a glimpse and i know the world is perfect. I always wonder if you know how I feel about you. I steal glances at you and ponder whether you ever think about me. When I close my eyes at night, I dream of you. And even now when I close my eyes, your face greets me in the darkness. I can feel myself glow when I think of you and I can almost feel your arms around me. In my dreams, whenever I look up you're always looking into my eyes with a look of pure love. I can almost melt. I have so many mixed-up feelings for you, but I don't know how to clearly express it. But as much as I dream, deep down under all my thoughts and feelings, I know the truth. Although you've matched my expectations and have been so nice, there's no hope. So many boys adore you and you can have any of them, but you choose not to. I know for none of those boys, including me, are who you really want. Isn't I funny that I want someone that I can't…. I've said the same about you millions of times over and over. I try to convince myself that I'll never think of you again, but look at where I am now no better and maybe even worse. Can you believe that I've ran a million scenarios in my mind over and over and in ALL of them someone is hurt. But in all of them, the one that hurts the most is ME. I can't bring myself to tell you and I don't dare to tell you. NO chance of anything, and yet I still write this and think of you. I can't help it.

I love you more than I can bear to say aloud. My heart never truly strayed from the moment I talked to you. When you leave, a part of me will go with you. Your girlish nature only intrigues me to look deeper, and I have found myself countless times searching your face for a sign…you share my emotions. My heart feels a pang of torment every time I see you coyly flirting. The emotions I feel are so condensed and deep that I myself do not understand them and an explanation would take a thousand pages. Simply enough, I fear I love you. But above that I would always love to see you happy.

[Sobbing]

I love you so much that every time I think of your smile, I cannot breathe. To know that you are so close and, yet, so far, is a torture. I would gladly die if it would mean that I would never see you again. I cannot stand seeing you walk past me, averting your eyes and rushing to avoid me. I want to reach out and stop you from walking away. I want to tell you that every time someone mentions your name, I shrink inside, dreading every word that will follow. I am tired of pretending, tired of being alone, but know, that I will not say a word. I'll walk past you, looking straight into your eyes. And I'll keep on walking…. Without turning back.

[Sobbing]…

Random Thoughts....

Today my thoughts were all over the place. One minute I am focused on a goal to be completed the next I am thinking about someone whom I really shouldn't even have been. Yeah my ''love''. She just kind of popped up recently and like that she is in my thoughts eating away at what could have been valuable time. But in honesty it is kind of welcomed. I feel like a dream guy sneaking a day dream in of a fantasy date or even.... *blushes*

 “When I think of love, I see it as a two sided coin. On the one side, it can make you feel like you're on top of the world. But on the other side, it can cause a lot of pain and suffering. What it all comes down to is that one cannot exist without the other. It's just a question of how each person deals with it. Some can live happily with love. Others can't live happily with it. As for me, I can't live without love.

Love means a lot to me. I know most people would laugh at what I believe when it comes to love but that won’t stop me from believing. I am true at heart and when I love someone...it not only comes from the heart. It's truly an unconditional love. Why? Because I believe that to truly love someone you have to accept them for who they are. Just because they have a few problems, physically or in some cases...emotionally, doesn't mean that makes them less than a person, or not worthy of love. You have to ask yourself this one important question.

How would I feel if I were in that persons shoes?
Would I want to be turned away for the slightest thing?

Just remember....love is a two way street. Love cannot exist if you don't give your trust and understanding to someone. In order for love to work.....you have to love, trust and have faith upon the person you are with and they have to give you theirs in return. If only one person is doing it, then love isn't working.

Throwing yourself out there just to get let down. Having people lie straight to your face when they swear they’re telling the truth. Looking forward to a promise they made just to get crushed when they don’t follow through in the end. Aren’t you tired of hearing “I’m sorry”, I’ll make it up to you”, and “I swear it will never happen again”. Many don’t know how hard it is to trust again when you’ve been taken for granted more than once by the person that you thought you could trust. 

Trust is a very fragile thing and once you lose someone’s trust it’s hard to gain it all back. Having trust issues builds walls. These walls seem like they can be up forever, just when you think a door is opening for one of these walls there is another door locking behind it to keep you out. It makes it hard to express true feelings because you think someone is going to take advantage of what you’re saying and end up being like everyone else who hurt you in the past. Opening up just a little bit is the hardest thing someone with trust issues to possibly do.

"Love is a wonderful thing. Treat it with care and it will treat you wonderfully.”

wat do i see? is that the light at the end of the tunnel? i sure hope not. this tunnel is scary and dark but it has its like spots and it can be pretty.im not ready for it to be done. But, i see the light. All im hoping for is that its just a hole in the ceiling.....but it doesnt look like it from here...Have to wait and watch the compatibility..