Failures.....

Before you start reading this here's a warning. This is what I am feeling today.  I feel like a failure. I am just laying low…I feel like I am just giving up.  And who knows, I might just be giving up on the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life time.  But none the less, I feel like I am just throwing in the towel,  And I don't throw in the towel.  I don't know how to, I don't know when to, and I am pretty sure I don't know what that term even means.  I write to try and ease my pain a little. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm whining....I'm already sorry for existing.....I'm a person who really tries his hardest to do whatever he can. I even put other people before myself. Why is it that I always manage to fail... no matter what I do. Even when I try to fix something it just gets worse. My life is turning to a shit at a really fast rate and I can't stop it. It honestly feels like I really have nothing to live for since I'm easily forgotten until its convenient for someone. No matter how I go over it......no one really cares about me and those that do would be better off if they never knew me. Even if I hide behind a stoic face the longer I choose to pretend I'm happy the worse it is when I get back to the reality of what I can't even call a life. I'm nothing. A waste of space, money, time, and effort. I pray to God that, He shouldn’t give such shameless person as anyone’s son.  I'm honestly waiting for the day that everyone finally tells me that they're finally done with me. I wonder which is better sometimes.....to burn out or fade away. Knowing me I'd probably choose fade away and vanish. I'm a disappointment to my family and an embarrassment... I wouldn't blame anyone for being ashamed of me. I hurt everyone and they all pretend its ok. If I end things with myself I wonder how much more peaceful life would be. I wouldn't be around to see it.........

 I wake up every day in despair, extreme doom, tinged with high anxiety. Combined now as it is, within few months a mixture of debt chasing telephone calls, banks and various other debt chasing people, there is now no respite.